Turning Point

picture by Jason Burmeister

The Turning Point !!!!!!!!!!!!

I am getting better, no matter how much longer it takes, the changes are happening.

My therapist told me about generalization. That is where each accomplishment I make (like mastering driving on some new scary roads to me)also affects me in other areas. After that I was able to drive on a highway I usually avoid and wait in the emergency room by myself for the doctor - just a nasty ear infection. It seems things are starting to sink in now, I can feel more confidence. I have a very good feeling that I can start taking action.

GOALS:

reach the point where I do not feel lost anymore

keep increasing confidence

lose the confusion and difficulty in concentrating

lose the overwhelmed feelings

take steps toward fixing my financial situation

Every little thing I do counts for something. I have been teaching myself to make rings. I will be looking forward to this being a steady part time income and also have a part time job outside the home. I think that would be good because I don't need to be shut off from the world, I need to be learning to live in it. I have been scared to death to get a job someplace new, what a HUGE thing that will be when I pull off starting a new job or getting back into my old one. HUGE huge !!!!!!!!! What a scardy cat I have been !!!!!!

I am so thankful for the special people in my life right now!! Could it be that I have been getting a little stronger inside everyday just by not giving up and pushing myself no matter what? Everyday is a new chance to accomplish something, anything!! Tomorrow is a beautiful thing.

Dignity

Right now I am going through a stage of being kind of numb, there has been a lot going on.

I stop myself from doing the deep thinking thing sometimes, but I am wondering about the what I have been feeling. I know that I should be very excited about getting my life straightened out, it is happening and that is what I have wanted. I am making more head way learning to manage anxiety than I am with dealing with the depression.
The cool thing is when you know something needs to be sorted out.
I know it has to do with dignity.
My dignity.

This is like doing homework on yourself.

So now I have questions.

I feel like I am cut up into a bunch of puzzle pieces, and am slowly putting it together.

What should I be feeling about myself?

There is still a need to reconnect with that little girl up there in those pictures.

Keep things simple.

My motto.

I love who God made me, I love the beautiful people he has brought into my life. I love the beautiful world he has given us to live in.

Everything's going to be ok !!!

I AM

I Am

thankful

happy

loving every second of sunshine I can get

sad

hopeful

working on my future

accepting

learning

being ok with myself

managing anxiety

getting ready to buckle down

missing Billy

I'm Back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have just been through quite an amazing month and a half . My life is changing !!!!! Not that I have gotten rid of the anxiety and depression, but I am doing it, the thing I have hoped and prayed for. I am getting myself back. I am beginning to understand myself and how to deal with things better. I will be moving in with my sister temporarily in 3 weeks. Still looking for work that I will not be scared to death to go to. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, even though it is just a pinhole. !!!!!!!!!!!! It has paid off finally, the taking 1 day at a time, not quiting, opening myself to other people who are good for me. Such dear , wonderful people !!!!!!!! There are only a few, but absolute treasures !!!!!!!!! My bad day when it was definite that I was making the move was pretty horrible. I haven't had that kind of depression for a while. the kind where you don't want to be alone. I was crying my eyes out, then I reached out, started making phone calls. Today is not as bad, I am making a point of trying my best to just concentrate on whatever I am doing, and making sure I am eating. I am very scared of course about this move, things changing, but inside of me knows it is what needs to happen if I am to continue to get strong inside.

The Little Hand In Mine

It's been many years since the tiny hand first wrapped around my finger. Another love had come into my life, a glorious forever love. My little Bettina. It is such a simple act, holding your childs' hand as they grow, but it means so much. You're their safety, their provider, teacher, nurse, friend and confidant all wrapped up into one. I am thankful to God for the joy in my heart that will never go away because it was given to me to be Mommy to such a precious child. I got to hold her hand again as I walked her down the aisle, remembering what it felt like all those years. The little baby face with the big green eyes and and the mop of hair. The little girl with her hair long and wavy, with a big smile on her face, loving me and her brother and sisters so much. I remembered her as she grew into a lovely young lady, inside and out. When she held my hand I hope she felt all my love for her and how much I want her happiness. It was another highlight in my life !!!!! She was just SO beautiful, like a little princess. How proud I was to place her hand in Dave's. God bless their life together.

Wedding pictures

It turned out to be a very wonderful, special day. Here are some of the 1st pics !!!

THE Special Day

Countdown to the wedding !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited !! Bettina is going to be beautiful, Dave cleans up pretty good, ha ha, and it is going to be such a joyous day. September 27th, 2008 Get the waterproof mascara and the tissues ready !!!!

CHANGE

Fall is coming and it is exciting to start feeling the chill in the morning. I've been anxiously waiting for this.

I'm going to be going through some changes too. I am going to be getting some much needed help for the physical and mental health issues and I am going to be moving. I have a good feeling because things are getting underway. It is scary too of course , but again I am going to find out what I am made of.

I know I need to believe in who I am , get my confidence back , get strong inside and work toward being healthy and happy !!!!

I welcome my changes with open arms.

The Lighter Side

Last year I discovered online games. Out of desperation. My theory was that if I did good at them, I wasn't REALLY losing my mind !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, I like the challenge, so I am adding some little fun games at the bottom of the blog. Anyone who wants to compete a little, try them out and let me know how you like them !!!!

REACHING UP

A lot of things going on right now. It's not good to lose track of the one day at a time thing. Which I have, so once again here's me picking my behind up off the floor and moving forward. I will be repeating that action many more times I'm sure. This is when it is wise to count your blessings.

Humble is a good word to do some deep thinking about too. When I get to Heaven I am going to give Louis Armstrong a big squeeze for singing that" What a Wonderful World "song !!!!!

My journey continues.
bamboo path in Japan by roadrunner_Flickr

Blogger Therapy

Couldn't make it to therapy today and I had so much on my mind and a lot of questions popping up in my head ! Now that something inside of me that is calling the shots wants to really get going with the understanding myself part. What is that anyway? It is pretty cool whatever it is. I need to find out why I am afraid , what all this confusion is about, why I can't seem to pull myself together and what I should do about getting medical coverage. Around and around in circles, that is all I have been doing for the last month. I am on my own last nerve.

The Family Reunion

picture courtesy of Jason Burmeister / Flickr

It was beautiful!!! Treasure of the day: an old family picture of my grandmother's large family when she was young. Early 1900's - button up shoes, pinafores, and faces you could stare at for hours. The people it was such a treat to see: Cousins. They are wonderful relatives you share your childhood with, laughing and playing, simply loving them, and it sticks. Lovely people to talk to: relatives that remember your grandparents. They have stories to tell and precious pictures to see. New: A bond between brothers and sisters starting to grow, a way to honour the Memory of a dear Mother. Feelings: A little sadness, a lot of pride, and a delicate joy that seemed to be carried in the breeze. This is my family and I love them ! There just wasn't enough time.

Dealing With It

Ok !! Had such a great night at the party, and the very next day went into a depressive slump with lots of confusion. Still pulling out of it. Apparently a very big part of getting well is getting to know yourself and understand what is going on. I knew I had my work cut out for me !!!!!I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is just not easy to really see it. The family reunion is today, somewhere inside of me I am excited !!!!! I wonder what my post tonight will sound like??!!

The Major Accomplishment

ME !! I actually had one today !! Being the way I am , I never go ANYWHERE I don't have to.
No going out, no movies, no eating out, nothing. Today was a graduation party for my niece Melissa, and I really wanted to go. Thought about not going, but changed my mind and went.
I am so glad I did ! It was at a beautiful home and everyone was so nice. I was actually talking to people and not being scared of them. In my little world that is a BIG deal !! Right now I am feeling very humble and shy writing this, but I also have a very good feeling inside. Could this be a little piece of the real me peaking out? I hope so, it was such a pleasure! The people there will never know how precious the smiles on their faces were or how lovely it was talking to them, but I will never forget !!!! Today anxiety and depression were only words.

Sunbeams

Picture courtesy of fdecomite on flickr

It really seems like such a waste of time to be going through what I am with the depression and everything. It is there, it is real and it has taken a whole lot of life away from me for a long time now. I guess you have to reach the point where you see it as totally unacceptable. All I know is I want to be alive and happy, with no fear in my life at all.

Many years ago at a very painful, heart wrenching time of my life, everyone said that I was in an impossible situation. With God there is no such thing!!!!!!!! Child-like faith and a peace that passes all understanding became a daily reality. The situation was resolved. Praising God and thanking Him for the answers that are going to come, is a very powerful lesson. I love sunbeams, they are like a little piece of Heaven peaking out, streaming to earth lighting a path, a visual connection. A sunbeam is a reminder to me of being brought through that terrible time, and now will be an inspiration as I look to my future!!!!!

Hope

I just remembered a beautiful song I knew years ago. Whispering Hope. The words go like this:


Soft as the voice of an angel, breathing a lesson unheard, hope with a gentle persuasion

whispers her comforting word. Wait till the darkness is over , wait till the tempest is done, hope

for the sunshine tomorrow , after the shower is done. Whispering , whispering hope, oh how

welcome thy voice, how welcome. Making my heart in it's sorrow , rejoice, rejoice!!!!!!!!


Isn't that beautiful?!! I think I am just going to have to hang on to any little piece of hope I can
now!!!

Open Roads

Well, I am doing it !! Taking steps toward my future, scary as it may be !!! I gave 2 weeks notice at my job, not able to do it anymore because of health reasons. I don't know where I go from here, but I am GOING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being STILL

Something in me is telling me to just slow down, take a deep breath and be still.

That is a nice thought, reality is another thing. Agitation, anxiety are more the norm.

Being still, like walking outside on a moonlit night, everything so noticeably quiet,

or listening to a hauntingly beautiful tune played by a single violin .

Mesmerized, feeling your whole being pausing, breathing in tranquility.

No thoughts, no worries, just the moment.

Under Pressure

Nervous wreck reporting here, big week ahead . Joyful moments expected, a big challenge to face, steps to be taken in learning to care about myself and not give up.!! It would be so easy to give in to the pressure I am feeling, but it is weeks like these where I have to take one day at a time. Even if I accomplish only one little thing each day, it is still SO important that the one little thing happened. AMEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's Up

I am getting together pictures to post and trying to recuperate from being sick and making phone calls and setting up appts to take care of what I am supposed to and being VERY VERY HAPPY that today is the last day of school !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!