Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I'm Back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have just been through quite an amazing month and a half . My life is changing !!!!! Not that I have gotten rid of the anxiety and depression, but I am doing it, the thing I have hoped and prayed for. I am getting myself back. I am beginning to understand myself and how to deal with things better. I will be moving in with my sister temporarily in 3 weeks. Still looking for work that I will not be scared to death to go to. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, even though it is just a pinhole. !!!!!!!!!!!! It has paid off finally, the taking 1 day at a time, not quiting, opening myself to other people who are good for me. Such dear , wonderful people !!!!!!!! There are only a few, but absolute treasures !!!!!!!!! My bad day when it was definite that I was making the move was pretty horrible. I haven't had that kind of depression for a while. the kind where you don't want to be alone. I was crying my eyes out, then I reached out, started making phone calls. Today is not as bad, I am making a point of trying my best to just concentrate on whatever I am doing, and making sure I am eating. I am very scared of course about this move, things changing, but inside of me knows it is what needs to happen if I am to continue to get strong inside.

Monday, September 29, 2008

The Little Hand In Mine

It's been many years since the tiny hand first wrapped around my finger. Another love had come into my life, a glorious forever love. My little Bettina. It is such a simple act, holding your childs' hand as they grow, but it means so much. You're their safety, their provider, teacher, nurse, friend and confidant all wrapped up into one. I am thankful to God for the joy in my heart that will never go away because it was given to me to be Mommy to such a precious child. I got to hold her hand again as I walked her down the aisle, remembering what it felt like all those years. The little baby face with the big green eyes and and the mop of hair. The little girl with her hair long and wavy, with a big smile on her face, loving me and her brother and sisters so much. I remembered her as she grew into a lovely young lady, inside and out. When she held my hand I hope she felt all my love for her and how much I want her happiness. It was another highlight in my life !!!!! She was just SO beautiful, like a little princess. How proud I was to place her hand in Dave's. God bless their life together.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Wedding pictures



It turned out to be a very wonderful, special day. Here are some of the 1st pics !!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

THE Special Day

Countdown to the wedding !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited !! Bettina is going to be beautiful, Dave cleans up pretty good, ha ha, and it is going to be such a joyous day. September 27th, 2008 Get the waterproof mascara and the tissues ready !!!!

Monday, September 8, 2008

CHANGE


Fall is coming and it is exciting to start feeling the chill in the morning. I've been anxiously waiting for this.

I'm going to be going through some changes too. I am going to be getting some much needed help for the physical and mental health issues and I am going to be moving. I have a good feeling because things are getting underway. It is scary too of course , but again I am going to find out what I am made of.

I know I need to believe in who I am , get my confidence back , get strong inside and work toward being healthy and happy !!!!


I welcome my changes with open arms.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Lighter Side

Last year I discovered online games. Out of desperation. My theory was that if I did good at them, I wasn't REALLY losing my mind !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, I like the challenge, so I am adding some little fun games at the bottom of the blog. Anyone who wants to compete a little, try them out and let me know how you like them !!!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

REACHING UP




















A lot of things going on right now. It's not good to lose track of the one day at a time thing. Which I have, so once again here's me picking my behind up off the floor and moving forward. I will be repeating that action many more times I'm sure. This is when it is wise to count your blessings.

Humble is a good word to do some deep thinking about too. When I get to Heaven I am going to give Louis Armstrong a big squeeze for singing that" What a Wonderful World "song !!!!!

My journey continues.
bamboo path in Japan by roadrunner_Flickr

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Blogger Therapy

Couldn't make it to therapy today and I had so much on my mind and a lot of questions popping up in my head ! Now that something inside of me that is calling the shots wants to really get going with the understanding myself part. What is that anyway? It is pretty cool whatever it is. I need to find out why I am afraid , what all this confusion is about, why I can't seem to pull myself together and what I should do about getting medical coverage. Around and around in circles, that is all I have been doing for the last month. I am on my own last nerve.



Saturday, August 9, 2008

The Family Reunion

picture courtesy of Jason Burmeister / Flickr


It was beautiful!!! Treasure of the day: an old family picture of my grandmother's large family when she was young. Early 1900's - button up shoes, pinafores, and faces you could stare at for hours. The people it was such a treat to see: Cousins. They are wonderful relatives you share your childhood with, laughing and playing, simply loving them, and it sticks. Lovely people to talk to: relatives that remember your grandparents. They have stories to tell and precious pictures to see. New: A bond between brothers and sisters starting to grow, a way to honour the Memory of a dear Mother. Feelings: A little sadness, a lot of pride, and a delicate joy that seemed to be carried in the breeze. This is my family and I love them ! There just wasn't enough time.

Dealing With It

Ok !! Had such a great night at the party, and the very next day went into a depressive slump with lots of confusion. Still pulling out of it. Apparently a very big part of getting well is getting to know yourself and understand what is going on. I knew I had my work cut out for me !!!!!I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is just not easy to really see it. The family reunion is today, somewhere inside of me I am excited !!!!! I wonder what my post tonight will sound like??!!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

The Major Accomplishment

ME !! I actually had one today !! Being the way I am , I never go ANYWHERE I don't have to.
No going out, no movies, no eating out, nothing. Today was a graduation party for my niece Melissa, and I really wanted to go. Thought about not going, but changed my mind and went.
I am so glad I did ! It was at a beautiful home and everyone was so nice. I was actually talking to people and not being scared of them. In my little world that is a BIG deal !! Right now I am feeling very humble and shy writing this, but I also have a very good feeling inside. Could this be a little piece of the real me peaking out? I hope so, it was such a pleasure! The people there will never know how precious the smiles on their faces were or how lovely it was talking to them, but I will never forget !!!! Today anxiety and depression were only words.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Sunbeams

Picture courtesy of fdecomite on flickr











It really seems like such a waste of time to be going through what I am with the depression and everything. It is there, it is real and it has taken a whole lot of life away from me for a long time now. I guess you have to reach the point where you see it as totally unacceptable. All I know is I want to be alive and happy, with no fear in my life at all.



Many years ago at a very painful, heart wrenching time of my life, everyone said that I was in an impossible situation. With God there is no such thing!!!!!!!! Child-like faith and a peace that passes all understanding became a daily reality. The situation was resolved. Praising God and thanking Him for the answers that are going to come, is a very powerful lesson. I love sunbeams, they are like a little piece of Heaven peaking out, streaming to earth lighting a path, a visual connection. A sunbeam is a reminder to me of being brought through that terrible time, and now will be an inspiration as I look to my future!!!!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Hope

I just remembered a beautiful song I knew years ago. Whispering Hope. The words go like this:


Soft as the voice of an angel, breathing a lesson unheard, hope with a gentle persuasion

whispers her comforting word. Wait till the darkness is over , wait till the tempest is done, hope

for the sunshine tomorrow , after the shower is done. Whispering , whispering hope, oh how

welcome thy voice, how welcome. Making my heart in it's sorrow , rejoice, rejoice!!!!!!!!


Isn't that beautiful?!! I think I am just going to have to hang on to any little piece of hope I can
now!!!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Open Roads

Well, I am doing it !! Taking steps toward my future, scary as it may be !!! I gave 2 weeks notice at my job, not able to do it anymore because of health reasons. I don't know where I go from here, but I am GOING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 30, 2008

Being STILL

Something in me is telling me to just slow down, take a deep breath and be still.

That is a nice thought, reality is another thing. Agitation, anxiety are more the norm.

Being still, like walking outside on a moonlit night, everything so noticeably quiet,

or listening to a hauntingly beautiful tune played by a single violin .

Mesmerized, feeling your whole being pausing, breathing in tranquility.

No thoughts, no worries, just the moment.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Under Pressure

Nervous wreck reporting here, big week ahead . Joyful moments expected, a big challenge to face, steps to be taken in learning to care about myself and not give up.!! It would be so easy to give in to the pressure I am feeling, but it is weeks like these where I have to take one day at a time. Even if I accomplish only one little thing each day, it is still SO important that the one little thing happened. AMEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 13, 2008

What's Up

I am getting together pictures to post and trying to recuperate from being sick and making phone calls and setting up appts to take care of what I am supposed to and being VERY VERY HAPPY that today is the last day of school !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 6, 2008

A couple of poems !

Well here are a couple of poems I wrote, let me know what you think !!!



CAPTURED HEART

My other half is easy to say,
feelings of love will always stay!
What's sad is that we'll never know,
what could have been ours,if it had been able to grow!
It's precious few hours we have to share,
please hold my heart in your hands with care.
No regrets, there couldn't be!
In my eyes , it's only joy you'll see.
Someday I hope you will understand,
All you have done for me with just the touch of your hand.




THE FIRST FLOWERS OF SPRING

When I see the first flowers of spring,
I will smile, my heart will smile, and I will think of you.
I will remember the words you gave to me , sent across the miles.
Words that stayed with me for days, giving me comfort and hope.
You said that when I did see those flowers,
things would turn around and start to get better for me.
How precious a few words can be!
You couldn't have known that almost every year of my life
I went looking for them, those tiny flowers in the grass.
Little specs of color that can hardly be seen unless you are looking for them.
First white, then purple and yellow and blue.
Treasures to be picked and pressed,
lovingly shared with children and now a grandchild.
God's way of sending His love and saying that everything can be renewed, even me.
Thank you my gentleman friend for having such a kind and caring heart,
for always encouraging me, for believing in me.
Please know that forever you will always be a jewel in my treasure chest.
My dear friend, I send you a smile.!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Remembering How it Was Before Life Happened

Here's to having an intelligent conversation with yourself ! ! ! At the moment I am very amused at the whole idea of doing this blogging!! I could really get to like this. Thoughts on my mind today? I wonder if my kids even know who I really am. I think who we really are is how we were about the time we graduated from high school. Read THAT again just in case it didn't make any sense the first time ! ! Last year when things were really bad and I thought I was losing my mind and the depression was really bad, I started feeling very compelled to go back to Malvern (the town I grew up in) to be able to walk around and really feel the place. It had something to do with reconnecting with myself and the way I was before life happened. We moved away the summer I graduated and everything has been pretty bizarre since!! My theory is that I am not disturbed, just terribly effected ! I'm thinking thats fixable. I did get back to Malvern but there was a craft fair going on so it wasn't the calm kind of time I was looking for. It did help, but I still feel I need to go back again. That is going on my to do list ! Advice to my kids? Don't allow anything or anyone to change who they really are.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

FIXING MARLENE

OK! I've just had a few rough days, but I'm back! I have always been grateful and amazed at the strength that has come out of me over the years. I've always referred to it as my fight. I don't like feeling fragile or delicate inside. The road block that I mentioned in my header is that I now once and for all have to beat the good old anxiety and depression thing!! The problem is that over the past few months I feel like I have been losing my fight, BUT something inside of me keeps reaching out, that is how this blogging started. This really is going to be quite a trip, so think good thoughts for me, say a prayer for me or just leave me a comment on something I post. I need to know that I am not alone!! The people who end up mattering most in life are the ones who believe in you as a person, they are what I call: JEWELS IN MY TREASURE CHEST ! ! A BIG thank you for the comments I have received so far , they meant a lot to me!!
I am on my way !!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Plant Something ! ! !

If you want to do something good for yourself, plant something. ANYTHING !!!!! And don't wear gloves!! Get your hands dirty in God's good earth!! I think it is a direct connection between your soul and life, that is why it can lift your spirits so much. It is your own accomplishment, something you can nurture, coming away from yourself and problems or worries. Plant flowers, with beautiful colors and sweet smells. Plan out gardens that would be blooming from early spring all through fall. 2 years ago I had a tomato plant I grew in a pot on the porch. They were the best sweet tasting tomatoes I ever had in my life!! It is so much fun watching them grow and waiting anxiously for them to turn from green to red. And what a fun thing to share with a child or grandchild. You can have a nice fresh supply of tomatoes, peppers, and carrots very easily. The most amazing thing to me is planting a tree. I love trees! I climbed every one I possibly could when I was little. I think it is so dear to plant a tree in memory of someone. If I had a big yard I would plant a weeping willow, a beautiful mimosa tree, a blue spruce, dogwood, wisteria, an apple tree, a Japanese split leaf maple, a mulberry tree and a weeping cherry tree. Picture that! Anyone can do it , it is easy. Even if it is a houseplant, there are many that can survive any torturous thing you can do to them. Spider plants are perfect for beginners, they are a perfect pass along plant! When they make babies, you can pick them off and give them to family or friends. Then when theirs gets big and has babies , they can do it too! Something special to pass on with love! Now go ahead and plant something and see for yourself, you will love it !!!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

day 2




If you want to see somebody struggle with a simple thing like uploading a photo, I'm your girl.

I did it!!!!!!!!!! This is a picture I found on the web. It reminded me of my mother. She grew some sunflowers that were about 6 feet tall. I miss her!!! I should say I miss seeing her, she is always with me. God bless her!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

what am i doing?

I don't even know how to use a computer really well, but I've got to give this a try! It took me so long to get this far with starting that now it is time for bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Till tomorrow then!